These brownies are so beautiful they should be called "Queen of the Universe"

Ok, so I'm fulfilling my promise to Sabrina to write. As I review my other posts, I realize that there has been a lot of introspection and philosophy in my posts and well, frankly, that has to stop. I'm really tired of all the looking inward and wrestling matches with my mind and the tag team matches (where someone close to me runs to my corner and my hand gets tagged from behind the ropes and next thing you know, I'm in) from the other middle agers around me. About three minutes ago, I look a tray of homemade brownies out of the oven. I set them down on the counter and took in a deep, cocoa-scented, mouthwatering breath. Then, a sigh. Watery eyes. Small tear. I'm on a gluten free diet (well, at least 90% of the time) and these brownies are so NOT gluten free. Hmmm, not matter. I know full well that I will have a little piece and that's good enough to keep me contented. When I was mixing the batter, I looked down at the perfect consistency of the batter in my bowl and said out loud " these brownies are so beautiful they should be called Queen of the Universe" and then I laughed, again out loud. Actually, this is not my recipe but one I have made before from the Donna Hay cookbook I keep handy in the kitchen. She has great recipes. Simple and very tasty. The kind of recipes that make you say "Holy Crap" at the dinner table and then have to apologize and tell your kids not to say " Holy Crap!" at the dinner table.

What else? Oh, yeah: people need to stop crapping on FB that it's cold out. If you were born here and this "phenomenon" surprises you very year so much so that you need to tell your plethora FB "friends", half of which grew up with you spending hours on end after school and on the weekends outside in minus 30 degree temperatures with your scarves frozen to your upper lips and snow caked to the ass of your Kmart snowsuit, uh, you need to get over it ( I was going to say "you need a slap in the face" but I promised to keep my edit button on so as not to offend). Drink some hot coffee, wear socks, put a friggin' hat on (because face it, you're not cool anyway) and warm up your car. Problem solved.

Twisting Kaleidoscope

I had the most amazing day with my most amazing 17 year old daughter. We had our hair done, shopped and talked about life, friendship and love. It is through her that I am reminded of the sheer awesomeness (I think that's a word??Sounds good!) of life. Life is waiting for her, life is waiting for us all. It doesn't have to be a huge, explosive, life-changing event. It can be simple and sweet. Like today. A simple day, with my awesome daughter. Sometimes, I can get caught up in BIG dreams, BIG changes, BIG moments, don't we all? Today I stand corrected by life itself. Life reminded me that it is exciting and fulfilling in small and big ways. It is up to us to take life up on it's offer to have fun and simply enjoy what is right in front of us.



More quotes that I love.





There's a time for everyone if they only learn

That the twisting kaleidoscope moves us all in turn



"Can you feel the love tonight" Elton John

A very timely post, my friend Sabrina. That quote just about sums it up.

Our Deepest Fears

Last night I was going to end my day frustrated and discouraged by my "reality". Then, I decided that even if I cannot have all that I dream , I do have the power to change the way it makes me feel. Last week, a friend told me that the reason I am not heading in the direction I want my life to go is because I was too afraid, hiding behind my "reality". At the moment, I brushed these wise words off, too afraid to let them seep in, then I would actually have to acknowledge the truth. Last night I decided to allow myself to be honest, at least with myself. I am not ready to share what I discovered, still too afraid. However, I leave you with this quote, one of my favorites. Allow it to guide you wherever it may.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Marianne Williamson

Is it possible to have it all?

I just finished having a very insightful conversation with my significant other about my thoughts, goals and dreams for my life. It was insightful because his honest, "realistic" take on life has brought me crashing down back to earth. Don't you just hate it when someone wipes out your dreams in seconds? With one word, one look it was gone. I wanted to scream, cry, jump up and down (yes, I can still do that!?) and tell him he was wrong!! I CAN have it all. I can make all my dreams come true and still find balance and peace. I can. Right???

The answer is ...I don't know anymore. Actually, I do know. I know that I am not super human, without physical limits. I also know that I am stubborn and determined and I hate it when someone tells me I can't.

This conversation also made me realize that two people that love each other don't always grow in the same direction.

Happy New Day!

Somehow, a new year always seems to offer an opportunity for reflection and change. This new year is a little different because I've been trying to celebrate "happy new day" all year. I've been feeling a little philosphical lately, who I'm I kidding, I've been feeling philosphical since I was 5 years old listening to sad italien songs on my 8 track player. Anywhow, time for change and reflection began a while ago, but this year it has become even more personal. This is the year I turn 40!! That's right, the big 40. I am so excited about the possibilities and grateful to be feeling healthy and full of life. I plan on taking care the gifts I've been given. I feel great about the year ahead and I can't wait to share it with you. HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

Another Year, Another Blog

I find myself sitting across this screen wondering where the time has gone. It seems that minutes, hours can pass by so slowly and then suddenly a whole year has gone by. I had so many plans this year, so many promises made to myself. I went to bed many times saying to myself " Tomorrow is THE day!" I woke up the next morning and said." THIS is THE day..." Then I got up, and suddenly all of those good, solid intentions, shot right out the dirty window in my room!

This year however, was different! It was different because I never stopped trying to get it done. I never gave up on my promises to me. That's a start , right?

Well, year one of the blog is almost over, but my intentions to live the life I know I am meant to have are still there, waiting..

Where Have I Been?

Well, it has been a long time since my last entry. I really thought that keeping this blog would be a simple thing to do...once again I was wrong! Maybe it is just my poor handling of the junk that life throws at me. Maybe the blog is easy to keep up but I can't seem to make time for the things that matter to me, that are good for me, like this blog.

The good news is that I have kept up, at least tried to keep up with my new exercise regime! I am consistly walking 10 km a week or more !! Yahoo for me!!

I am really trying hard to congratulate myself for the things that I do and not to be so harsh about the things that don't get done. Know what I mean?

Must be off now! There is some car pooling, grocery shopping and other life things to tend to.

I wanted to just check in and let you all know that I haven't given up on this blog or on myself!!

Remembering Who I Was, Who I Am!

I spent this last week in a sort of eye opening time warp. I had the opportunity to spend some meaningful time with my best highschool pals. The first thing that I realized was just how easy it was to just be together. Without skipping a beat, we were reminiscing, laughing, hugging each other. It was .. it is like, we could just be ourselves, real, unjaded. I found myself shedding the armour that I sometimes hide behind. The amazing thing is that these friendships, the old and true seem to make it possible to be ourselves, pure, with the added benefits of having accumalated some life experiences. What a gift it is to be able to remember who you were before life got complicated. Well, I like that girl. The one with the dreams and insatiable thirst for life. I was fearless and curious ( can be a dangerous combination when under the influence) but man, did I have fun!!!

I have no regrets, my life today is beautiful and full of blessings. I am grateful. What I would regret, would be to not allow this week's experiences to remind me of what I can be.

Thank you my precious friends for being so easy to be with. In your eyes I see a reflection of me that ROCKS!!!!!!!!

Peace.

A question of Balance

The first two months of this year have really taught me the importance of balance in my life. What it taught me is that I didn't have any. I got swallowed up by this new schedule and this new job. I have become exhausted. I realized that I have been equally dividing my time between being at work, keeping up with the domesticities (I think I just made that word up) of life and sleep. Not freakin' good enough. Not the plan. Time to refocus. Hence, the change of look on the blog (I hope you don't mind Sab!)

So, here's what I'm thinking. I will divide up my work day into manageable segments. Based on the fact that I truly believe that in my month at this new post I have been doing a kick-ass job, I am not worried about getting canned. Then again, getting canned would mean a less stressful job at say Pier One or something which has merit all on its own. Next, the creative part needs some more devotion as well as a little getting in shape. Baby steps, people.

On a side note, I can't believe how pretty the snow looks this morning. Light and fluffy. A reminder that cocooning is good. It should be a break from the hustle of summer. Again, nature's balance.

Yes, today will be a little easier. Another cup of coffee before I start with everything else. I'll stop and pick up some wine to go with the pizza delivery for tonight and the bare minimum of cleaning up. The weekend is here and I'm tired of being tired. Time to get my Chi into balance.

Things on my List...check!

Okay, so one of the reasons we started this blog was to document the steps we are taking toward the life we really should be LIVING! All this began with a list, the oh so famous list. I am looking at my list and I want to work on really checking off as many "to do's" as I can. So here goes:
Try camping ,check ( loved it..want to do it again) blog ( check) start exercising regularly( does 1 straight week count?) check, get a tatoo ( a WHAT???) check, take up yoga seriously ( signed up for March classes) check!! Okay what's next? Certain items have been ruled off as I know that they are really out of reach ( I finally had to come to grips with the fact that Johnny Depp would never accept my marriage proposal) Let me check my list and I will get back to you. For now...I keep on LIVING!!

JUST DO IT!

After speaking to some good friends and doing some of my own research, I have been informed, that in order to change the direction of your life, you must JUST DO IT! ( hey NIKE really had something there!) I have journals filled with plans and ideas. I have read many self help books that provided me with more plans and more ideas of how I can take the steps needed to change my life and finally get going in the direction I feel I should be heading. Well, I had to finally admit that if I spent as much time exercising and preparing healthy meals as I do researching, reading and planning I would be giving Linsay Lohan a run for her anorexic body. So with that, I am proud to say that I have just finished my second 20 min walk of the week and only gave in once to my Cherry Blossom obsession and it was worth every bite. No regrets!

Walk to the Edge and .....FLY!!

"Live with intention.
Walk to the edge.
Listen Hard.
Practice wellness.
Play with abandon.
Laugh.
Choose with no regret.
Appreciate your friends.
Continue to learn.
Do what you love.
Live as if this is all there is."

-Mary-Anne Radmacher

Looking Through my Daughter's Eyes

Sometimes a reflection in the mirror will awaken the real girl inside, sometimes it is the vision of someone you love more than yourself that will remind you of what you were always meant to be. My beautiful daughter has just turned sixteen, sixteen!! Wow! She is so beautiful in everyway. Most importantly, her eyes are filled with the excitment for life, for all the possibilities that lay ahead. I remember when I felt that way. Don't you remember how we felt at sixteen? Ahh, the possibilities! I am so aware and careful with the words or actions I share with my daughter. I want to allow her to grow into all those possibilities. I am so afraid sometimes that what I say or do will leave her with any fear of living. Dream my sweet daughter, dream big!! And so with that I am reminded of that sixteen year old inside me, screaming to be heard " Remember how fearless you were. remember all the dreams you had?" For the first time in a very long time, I answer, " I hear you. Are you ready? Let's do it!"

The Unbearable Lightness of Being...(I hated that book!)

Well, here I was typing away about my time off after ending my billing position two days ago. I was doing quite well, actually, pondering the end of the old grind and routine, yadda yadda, new position means new opportunity, blah blah blah and the something happened...I looked over to my right and saw myself in the full length mirror. "What the hell?? Who is that woman looking at me? That couldn't possibly be me, right??"

Oh, but alas, it is soooo me. Now, sure, the extra ten pounds caught my attention. I did the old squeeze and tuck of my muffin-top and tried to tell myself that it wasn't so bad. Trouble is, I didn't believe it for a second. So I really started to wonder why I stopped moving. Why did I stop kickboxing? Why was the gym not exciting enough? Why not take up yoga? Why do I choose to eat and savour food like I've been on Survivor for 39 days and didn't win any of the food rewards? In a attempt to be brutally honest, I fessed up. The reason I stopped leaving the house for any type of strenuous activity was simple. I did not want everything in my day to be hard. In the past year I treaded water everyday. The job became a real grind, my son's brush with serious illness through me for a loop, the restaurant struggled and my husband struggled along with it. It was constant and relentless. I retreated into myself and evenings at home soothed me. I escaped from the Chinese Water Torture that was my day job, made supper, cleaned up, poured myself a glass of Porto and for all intents and purposes left my body. I call it "Voluntary Disassociation" and I am a master at it. Mentally, well, it probably saved me from months of therapy. Physically, however, I became gelatinous. Move over Bill Cosby. I am now the official spokesperson for Jell-O. And, no offence Bill but Jell-O ain't sexy.

So here I am. I've said it out loud. I need to find that girl in my photo album with all the stitches in her face, bruises on her legs and dirt in her hair. She was FEARLESS. She was light. She was unstoppable and I loved her. I miss her. I want to find her again and tell her it's alright to come into the light. I will take her by the hand and we will smile that mischievous smile together and I will love it.

So I will keep you posted, my friends, on how this all goes down. Bit by bit, little by little I will introduce you to someone I have not seen in years: a "lighter" version of me!

Determination!!

AHA!!! I have figured it out!! Now who says I am not determined?

Mi!! This is it !

The ultimate written adventure. Thank you "my precious friend, my most precious friend" for the opportunity to do this with you. As always, you are there.

Scratch it off the list!

Well, ladies, here it is! I have begun the blog to end all blogs! With the help of my coauthor Sabrina, I hope to bring a new dimension to my dementia. My New Year's Resolution was to devote 2010 to moi and voila! the blog we said we would start not six months ago. So "Happy New Year" everyone. For better or worse, here I come!