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Friday, January 15, 2010

The Unbearable Lightness of Being...(I hated that book!)

Well, here I was typing away about my time off after ending my billing position two days ago. I was doing quite well, actually, pondering the end of the old grind and routine, yadda yadda, new position means new opportunity, blah blah blah and the something happened...I looked over to my right and saw myself in the full length mirror. "What the hell?? Who is that woman looking at me? That couldn't possibly be me, right??"

Oh, but alas, it is soooo me. Now, sure, the extra ten pounds caught my attention. I did the old squeeze and tuck of my muffin-top and tried to tell myself that it wasn't so bad. Trouble is, I didn't believe it for a second. So I really started to wonder why I stopped moving. Why did I stop kickboxing? Why was the gym not exciting enough? Why not take up yoga? Why do I choose to eat and savour food like I've been on Survivor for 39 days and didn't win any of the food rewards? In a attempt to be brutally honest, I fessed up. The reason I stopped leaving the house for any type of strenuous activity was simple. I did not want everything in my day to be hard. In the past year I treaded water everyday. The job became a real grind, my son's brush with serious illness through me for a loop, the restaurant struggled and my husband struggled along with it. It was constant and relentless. I retreated into myself and evenings at home soothed me. I escaped from the Chinese Water Torture that was my day job, made supper, cleaned up, poured myself a glass of Porto and for all intents and purposes left my body. I call it "Voluntary Disassociation" and I am a master at it. Mentally, well, it probably saved me from months of therapy. Physically, however, I became gelatinous. Move over Bill Cosby. I am now the official spokesperson for Jell-O. And, no offence Bill but Jell-O ain't sexy.

So here I am. I've said it out loud. I need to find that girl in my photo album with all the stitches in her face, bruises on her legs and dirt in her hair. She was FEARLESS. She was light. She was unstoppable and I loved her. I miss her. I want to find her again and tell her it's alright to come into the light. I will take her by the hand and we will smile that mischievous smile together and I will love it.

So I will keep you posted, my friends, on how this all goes down. Bit by bit, little by little I will introduce you to someone I have not seen in years: a "lighter" version of me!


  1. Mi!
    Once again you have put into words what I have been feeling for a long time but was unable to put it into words. I have slack off in almost all areas of my life because I thought I couldn't handle doing anything that was too hard...or so I thought!
    I don't want to live like that anymore. I know that! I am just not sure where to start. My journals are filled with plans, plans for better living. I want to so badly, but where do I start. How do I start???

  2. We need to stop thinking about it and just do it! Be detached and go get started. Do things without the running commentary to yourself. Be absent-minded and just act!